Wednesday, February 26, 2014

On being fat and attempting to wear black

Hello, my minions.  Today we're talking about fashion.  Because I want to, and it's my blog.  Mwa ha ha ha ha!
And now we make...da magikz!
Worth clarifying - we're talking about a very specific genre of fashion.  This one is for my friends who wear black, as the saying goes.  Specifically, it is for my heavier, less conventionally shaped friends who wear black.  And - oh, who am I kidding, I'm just going to pontificate about my gripes with trying to express myself fashionably.

During a recent conversation with family, I admitted that I dislike about 75% of my wardrobe.  And by that I mean my daily wardrobe - special occasion clothing shopping is a longer, more selective process.  I own a few adorable dresses and one damn versatile LBD that has been my go-to for a few years now.  But my every day, roll-out-of -bed-and-go ensembles typically leave me feeling pretty damn frumpy.  They also are a poor representation of my preferred aesthetic and personality.

"Then why do you wear them," the confused reader will no doubt be asking at this time.  Because I can afford them, and they fit.  Seriously, these are my options.  I don't sew (not well, anyway), and I don't often have the funding to have my clothing tailored outside of special occasions.  Now, those of you with a more "normal" body type will be very confused by all this.  Why do I need clothes tailored?  Sure, it's nice to have a better fit, but aren't I being picky?  I'll try to break this down for you.

I am somewhere between an hour glass and pear shaped, if you want a visual of my figure.  I'm busty, with wide hips, and a significant backside.  However, my waist still tapers in.  As such, pants/skirts/etc that fit my hips don't tend to fit me in the waist.  Additionally, I'm about a size 14/16 up top and a 18/20 down below, so anything that fits my chest and shoulders doesn't sit well over my hips.  Likewise, dresses that fit me in the hips tend to be baggy in the chest and shoulders, and ultimately unflattering.  There are, of course, exceptions to this.

I can find pants that fit, but they're expensive.  Finding them in black is even pricier.  NYDJ is the ONLY place I have found that offers black (not dark rinse, dark wash, deep denim, bullshit-color-that-isn't-black) jeans that aren't skinny jeans.  You have no idea how much I hate skinny jeans.  The last thing I need is something that accentuates my butt.  My backside draws attention to itself without any assistance from cheaply made, overly tight, glorified leggings.  Additionally, NYDJ tend to have a higher waist, which I appreciate.  However, at $100+ a pair, they don't really fit into my budget.  If I'm very lucky, Macy's will have them on sale for around $80.  I have one pair of black NYDJ right now, that I saved up for, and I wear them as sparingly as possible.  Which means the rest of the time, I'm in blue jeans.  Oh, joy.It's not that I hate blue jeans, per se.  I just dislike them being my only comfortable everyday option.

Acceptable skirts include skater, full, circle, and a tailored A-line.  With the exception of the A-line, I can purchase the previously mentioned styles based on my waist and 90% of the time they'll lay well over my hips.  However, I don't wear skirts.  I would need, like, cargo or utility skirts.  Which I haven't found.  I've found a number of skirts that say they're cargo skirts, but the pockets are largely cosmetic.  Which leaves me wondering what the point is, exactly.  I could try utility kilts, but then I risk the wrath of men for impinging on the one skirt they can wear publicly without risking social acceptance.  And those bitches are expensive.  Seriously.  I could get two pairs of pricey jeans for one utility kilt.  Which I would prefer to wear anyway.

So the quest for clothing that doesn't make me twitch continues.  Lane Bryant and Torrid have occasional good finds, but I find myself largely dissatisfied with their selection.  I did recently discover that stores such as Love Culture, Wet Seal, and their ilk have a number of plus sized items on their websites.  If you're willing to sift through the pastel, 70's inspired horrors, you can find some real gems.  Granted, you can't try them on, so get ready to ship back and forth until it fits, but it's a start.  Some of the shirts I love and wear most are actually from Victoria's Secret, of all places.  Their XL is supposedly a 16/18, and if the material has a little stretch, it tends to fit really well.  Also, they have a number of shirts with elbow length sleeves.  You know, for days when the arms feel flabby.  I like that.  It works for me.  Although they recently started making their shirts out of a cheaper, thinner cotton.  That doesn't work for me.

And on that note, my minions, I'm off to clear out my closet again, and attempt to throw out anything I haven't worn in six months.  Well, you know, except for the stuff I'm saving.  For that day when fairies come in the night and give me back the figure I had in high school.  Or something.

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